Your Kid is Gonna Hate You

I’m not even kidding right now.

I’m just trying to save you from yourselves. You’re setting yourselves up to be the uncool dads and mums of the next two decades. (And many of you will very likely be anyway.) You lot are far too eager with this thing even.

But I’ve started this post at the end.


So, yeah.. you have had a new kid. Or it’s your sibling who’s just had a kid. Kids are adorable, aren’t they? They’re practically little magical works of art to be honest; a mini-sized, lovable version of you (or someone you know). A thing of beauty.

Mostly to you.

Yes. You.

And yes, everyone else is happy for you too. But only so much that they’re not exactly psyched like you obviously are about it that you splattered their Foetus… uhm..sorry, photos all over BBM and Facebook and any other social network you traffic on their birthday. Nobody wants to see that. I know I don’t.

Nobody certainly thinks a two-hour old kid is cute. (For many kids, we still can’t tell after a week by the way.) But you obviously do. And you can be sure people will turn up for any befitting shindig you throw to welcome the little one. Many will even make the effort to check out the kid before leaving. Others won’t. It’s not that they aren’t happy for you n whatnot; the kid just isn’t presentable enough yet. A few weeks will alter that. They’ll even cop the photos then. But not before. Nobody digs those early photos. Except you.

But that’s not the worst part though. That comes later. When the kid is in middle school and has a social media account.

You think we’re vain now with the fuss over appearances n whatnot. Our kids are going to live in a world of vanity powered by much more advanced technology and a sense of self-importance so overbearing it will blur our understanding of the concept. Online profiles will very likely overlap real profiles and virtual cool points will mean a lot more then too. (It already does. Sort of.)

Think of your kid having to be the butt of jokes and taunts in school or in the hood with people whipping up baby pictures (or caricatures?) from the web and making comparisons. If their earliest pictures don’t meet the day’s cool standards they’ll take a hit. And who do you think they’ll blame for costing them their much needed cool points? You. Worse still, if you’re the uncool aunt or uncle.

Posting a picture is basically about preference and keeping up appearances. How do you know your kid would prefer to have that pic of them with their umbilical cord barely cut off plastered on the web for all to see? Or the one where they’re having their first bath? Or the one before they’ve grown any hairs or before they can look straight up? Pretty sure they wouldn’t.  Nope, those pictures won’t impress anyone or score them cool points. They’re undignifying.

And yep, they’ll hate you for it.

Be cool. Let these kids grow.